HUNGER STRIKE!

HA! I don't feel like eating at all... Screw the hunger. I'm not gonna eat. I'm bloody going fat. HA!

That's my plan, to eat as unhealthily as possible so that I'll end up FAT! haahhahaha... so, my dear never-failing appetite, let's see if you can save my body now! I'll ruin myself... hahahahhaa... how fascinating......

Alright that just sounds downright disturbing. I'm just preoccupying my mind with random stupid things like this. Too bland. Life's too bland ya see....

And anyway, do I care if I end up feeding out of a tube one day? Yea I do. I don't want that. I'd jump off a building. hmmm.... thought the acrophobia will save my life.

How come most of the cowardliness that exists in me always saves my guts? Like, I don't dare do anything unhealthy or illegal. And well, that keeps me healthy and legal and safe.

Let's face the truth, nobody healthy or LEGAL ever makes it to the top. NO ONE. You're never remembered for the good person you are. One bad deed ruins a GOOD reputation built over the years. See!! Good reputation has nothing against a crime. And it's not gonna save your ass once you screw up. Nobody's gonna remember your goodie-two-shoes behaviour.

THEY JUST wanna shut you down on every little bit of near insignificant mistake you make. So, why bother going by the rules for these bastards? they are the losers cause they can't survive without bashing people like you. You, on the other hand, have a choice. GO BREAK the rules and crush THESE LOSERS! They don't deserve your good behaviour or mercy. They wanna pin you down with your mistakes, then give them MISTAKES! HUGE scary ones that'll COST them so much they'll regret ever saying anything, they'll regret ever trying to think of schemes to force their stupid self-indulgent plans on anybody!

They're too stupid to realise that their bloody plans even exist on the Earth due to our pity on their clueless selves.

They'll pay. They'll pay alright.

Just crush them. They don't deserve anything from you. They don't owe you anything, NEITHER do you to them.

Alive

Naresh Iyer's song is keeping me breathing. Keeping my head above the sickening liquid threatening to drown me.

Alive. Up. Free to a certain extent.

Shit

Curse those evil people that roam this land. I curse them all.

I hate stupid people who aren't aware of their own stupidity. I'm rather stupid but at LEAST I don't go SHOVING MY STUPIDITY in people's FACES!

I hate boasters. Liars. Liars.

I don't like speculators. Don't mind the economic speculators, I detest those who speculate out of their own whim and cause trouble for others. SHIT! Like, you bloody don't even know a person but you can talk such shit about them?? And you say other people have bad values.

I don't like shallow people. It's so tough to just stay alive and keep knowledge alive. And you idiots come in and talk all sorts of bullshit? but usually shallow people don't bother me. They're quite alright. Just that I don't wanna be close to them.

I'm not so clever. I'm a loser. What scares me most is that someone will tell me that I'm no different from the stupid people I hate. I am a real mean person inside. Unlike stupid people, I don't even show my mean side to people, I don't dare.

Coward.

You are the most wretched soul I've seen. The only soul I've seen, for that matter. haizzz..... hopeless...

Being a generally nice person doesn't give you the right to insult people or hurt people. IT doesn't give you the license to be mean once in a while. You're the fool who chose to be nice 247 in the first place. There's no extra mean time for you just because you missed out being mean.

Fool. Why put any hope or trust in this world? it's full of disgusting people. very mean and selfish and stupid and idiotic.

Oddly Incapable

That strange person gifted my reddening cheeks a further glare which practically sent nerve signals all over my body to jump onto the railway tracks.

I accidentally looked at him when he was yawning. BIG FELONY. Now I'm stuck sitting 3 metres away from that man, at "TOP-LEVEL-EMBARRASSMENT" mode. ewww...... why did that dude have to find my eyes in his embarrassing state.

So, he probably thinks that I insulted him and looked down on him and disrespected him and thought he was some ignorant uneducated pig that yawned without covering his big fat mouth. I'm so sorry man. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Sorry... Seriously. It was an accident, accidents happen. Awkward moments occur and humans are bound to get muddled up in near-humiliation situations in life. So, sorry. Life isn't perfect, you're not perfect and I am DEFINITELY not perfect. Really sorry.

"I think you're bleeding," He was right beside me, I didn't even notice... ewww..... you idiot, now you're making that person feel unwanted and invisible for not realising his movements even though he was moving THIS close to you!

ah?

"What?"

"You're bleeding," his head moved a few noticeable millimetres toward mine, ever so slightly but very significant change it brought to me. I got hot in the face.

"Ha?" Still in blur-case mode.

His black pupils resisted rolling back and I caught his fist tightening at the corner of my eye. The hand smoothly entered a deep pocket to produce a handkerchief. Wa.. Garfield hanky.... never knew that existed.

"Sshhh," He mommy-hushed my wandering fingers which attempted to kidnap Garfield. Perhaps I blurted out some other incomprehensible and stupid comment.

AAAAAAAA!!! With football-kicking force, he stressed his hanky onto my forehead, sending my upper body halfway off the bench. It hurt because I resisted the force.

"Nah.. See!" yellow hanky gone red. Garfield got tabasco sauce on his face.

I blinked. Feeling oddly incapable of reacting.

"You better remember me," with that, he thrust Garfield into my hands, leaving both of his free to go around me and under my legs.

Wow... my flailing hands automatically found his shoulders, that was not stable. He threw me up a bit to create a safer and more comfortable position, naturally incurring my hands to wrap round his neck.

After that, we started moving. Regarding his destination, I had no idea. About my problem, I couldn't care less. All I could do was keep my head close to the warmth, embrace the weightlessness and feebly challenge the unconsciousness awaiting my fall from a precipice.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Seriously

Aish.... I got my period today. Rushed to the pharmacy once I punched in exactly 2 minutes late. haizzz...... and I spent say.. 3.50 on pills, 80 cents on spicy tuna bread cause the manager told me that humans aren't supposed to take pills on an empty stomach, a fact which totally eluded my knowledge for my entire life, and then I spent 2 bucks on drinks. TOTAL RM6.30. adui... I spent much less when I was in school man...

seriously... I'm spending too much. I've gotta save up money to buy myself a good guitar made of wood. Anyway, I stashed up some cash for something. And I'll just grab KFC on my lunch date this Sunday with Poh and Adeline. hmmm............

My dentist appointment just had to be one day before I got my period so this morning was a SUPER HOT BOWL of UTTER discomfort and slight agony for me. My mouth felt like a different piece of object stitched onto my face or jaw or whatever and my stomach hurt like hell, actually the uterus, anyway, it pained me much. I suppose the pains due to my very unhealthy lifestyle these past few weeks. I daresay I don't even have a clue what life is. To me, life is studying... just studying.. My brain is only capable of studying, basically, my brain is one step higher than useless.

My ultimate goal in life right now is to play and eat and play. play. Pathetic. haizzzz.....

That's how it is then... meow....

After Everything. Yun Ji Hoo & JaeKyung

Ha JaeKyung

For around three years I have wandered the world in search of freedom. I wanted to reign free over that string of affection for Gu Jun Pyo, that very deep affection I allowed to grow in me with so much pleasure. Like they say, love can't be forced. I still long for that moment when I made the choice to let him go. I used to regret my choice very much when Jan Di told me of their days. She tries her best not to touch the topic mostly. I'm just glad that she is happy and that person is doing well as well.

Slowly though, my regret ceased to a distant craving. Like how we wish we could eat grandma's cooking but as the thought of her passing becomes more and more strongly etched in our hearts, we just give up.

Thus, that red string of affection I had for him was replaced, strand by strand into one of friendship, gratitude and sometimes a little bit of violence too. I never fail to threaten him if I find out he made my dongsaeng upset. But then, who am I? Their fights make them who they are. Who am I to interfere anymore? Still, the thought of being able to offer him at least a threat is enough to keep my heart warm. I don't mind watching them from afar, satisfied with even the smallest room they can offer me in their hearts.

Yun Ji Hoo

Ah.. some rest. Still miss Jan Di's kid though. I guess they're having a good time in Jeolla. Has she started speaking yet? I want to be there when she does. First word, Ji Hoo. Maybe Oppa? Like Na-Young. Ah... I wonder if that Na-Young's taking her pills on time... she'll be busy in since she's in middle school now.

Yun Ji Hoo!!! Shut up and get your rest.
You need a break.
Yeah.. I do need a break from everything.
Granddad was right, working too much does take its toll on people.

What's this? "5 Fundamental Changes To Make In Order To Get Your Love Life Back"??? Aish... that WuBin.

...................................................................................................................................................................

And the doctor flipped through the pages very quickly, mainly intending to cast the contents aside as foolish and unreliable. Wait, unreliable? It wasn't as though he desperately wanted another shot at romance. That was the last thing on his agenda at that time. With that, Ji Hoo threw the book onto the lounge coffee table, the force recoiling just slightly before it left his hand. No, romance was out of the question.

He continued to rummage through his violated hand luggage, finding a few more articles of love advice from his friends, until he located his MP3 player. In swift movements, JiHoo plugged into a playlist full of Outsider's rap tracks and was soon on his way to the service counter.

A familiar figure caught his attention. Or rather the reflection of the familiar movements of a familiar figure on the shiny decorative walls behind the counter. The all-knowing mind of Yun Ji Hoo immediately caught on to the happenings around him. Why would that person be back here now? he wondered.

She disappeared before he could confront her though. Somehow he felt that he could ask her about her state of mind after her heartbreak. Perhaps it was because he suffered a heartbreak as well, at the hands of the same case of love-hate lovebirds.

"Where could she have gone to before I even turned around?" Ji Hoo wondered. His grasp tightened on his room card in response to his subconscious frustration.

As he awaited the parting of the lift doors, Ji Hoo couldn't help admitting his disappointment to himself. "Just a hi would have been enough," he thought.

Ting. Swing ( think that's how lift doors at high-end hotels sound like when they open.)

"YO!"

The image of Miss Ha Jae Kyung leaning against the lift wall with her hand raised in greeting, matched with a huge grin on her face startled Ji Hoo for one solid moment. His wide-eyed expression of one solid moment smoothed down into a smile and he entered the lift, shaking his head.

"Strange seeing you here, especially with a book like this," she remarked with her usual air of wittiness.

Bemused, Ji Hoo turned. Only to see Wu Bin's unwelcome gift in Jae Kyung's raised hand.

"Oh.. that, that.. err.. that's nothing.. just..." he broke his sentence halfway smiling, slightly red in the face.

Why was he stammering? It suddenly seemed like an hour ago that his mind came up with all sorts of things he wanted to say to her. None of those things managed to make their way from his mind to his lips. They kind of got lost in his cheeks, making them warm and eager to expand into a smile. His cerebellum appeared to be over-occupied with her teasing stare which he found hard to ignore and at the same time too intense in someway to hold.

Thankfully, due to his usual cool behaviour, Jae Kyung didn't think much of his minimum share of words.

"With Lovers, Wu Bin. hahaha... that person still manages to get girlfriends??" she laughed and handed the book to Ji Hoo.

"Sorry I read it, I just found it on the coffee table. I knew you had to be around here somewhere. I doubt Yi Jeong-sshi will have trouble with love. So, you're moving on huh? Good luck!" she said with such ease.

"I'll see you around, have fun!" Jae Kyung left Ji Hoo alone in the lift, three floors below his.

It took a while for the dazed man to notice the absence of motion around him. Suddenly self-conscious, he reached for the right button and willed for the lift to move faster. For all he knew, they probably installed close circuit cameras in the lift.

"Yun Ji Hoo, what's up with you?" he wondered aloud at his odd behaviour. Yet, his head deviated from his diagnosis of himself very quickly, trailing back to the grinning face that greeted him not too long ago.

"I wonder how she's doing... that smile, it reminds me of something," Ji Hoo pondered.

With a soft smile gently etched upon their faces, the two people went to bed reminiscing the few minutes they shared in the lift.
................................................................................................................................................................................

The Breakfast Show

Aiyah... freaky breakfast show of NTV7's gotten on my nerves. I tried sending emails to them but all of them failed. I wonder when they'll come up with a feedback forum so that viewers can send in more questions faster and make the show more beneficial and allow the conversations to be steered towards the true inquiries of the viewers.

Hmmm.. since it's a talk show, it will certainly score better ratings if viewers could take part in it and interactive shows are way more fun than "I try to get whatever i can from the convo on the screen which appears to be 5 miles from what I want".

Oh yea.. I miss William Quah. THe good old days when he hosted the show. I still think he's the best host I've seen on the Breakfast Show. Formal yet witty. Hmmm.. eh.. maybe I should start Twitting cause I don't think this is really a long blog entry.. is it??

In Terms of Courage

In the entire lifetime of normal people, if ever such a normal person existed, no question of courage would have immersed itself into the sea of queries swimming alongside worries and troubles.

Obviously, there are few that face no such challenge. Imagine, even sperms had to endure arduous situations despite their insignificant size ( to us idiots ). Courage is needed to survive. Courage is demanded to survive. Even the most cowardly of cowards succumb to the need, dire need of courage to survive.

I forget my courage a lot these days. Anger appears to rekindle the remnants of courage that used to live within me. I lost anger sometime ago. A person needs either anger or wisdom to live an actual life. I have no sufficient wisdom so I rely on anger. However, since I lost my courage so many times, I lost the need to feel angry for I failed to be brave enough to protect what I love most. Gradually, I lost sight of what I loved. Gradually, I lost my need to live. Gradually, I lost, I got lost.

Hard times are needed to beat some good values into a person. I hope I shall undergo evil and maliciously harsh times to gain what I lost. To gain what I never had. All's well though, I have started to exist more that I used to. I cannot be perfect, I cannot be imperfectly perfect, I can only be me. Who is "me"? I need to find out even if I lose the shells of dreams from long ago.

Entire castles lie in ruins,
shall the Kings sleep in peace?
Gold and glory sustained the pain,
with which they were earned,
Lies enthrall young minds and deceive,
values need to be earned not given
as prizes of lineage nor as flattery to the chosen.